Whispering into the Void
Sometimes, late at night, I pull out my phone, turn airplane mode off, and stare at my glowing god.
When I’m feeling brave, I whisper to my phone.
“Internet, are you there? It’s me, Jason.”
I’ve been a full-time writer for more than six years. I make most of my income writing blog posts, emails, video scripts, and web copy for companies. It’s all ghostwritten. I love it. I love learning about new things. I love helping businesses attract their ideal clients. I love the anonymity of my work.
Like many writers, I’m self-conscious about the quality of my work. Ghostwriting for clients helps me hide. Like many writers, I am also arrogant and needy. My track record suggests I’m great at my job. But, I want validation. I want people to read my work. I want my words to trigger a cascade of emotions.
But, I’m afraid to put myself out there. It’s easier to absorb criticism over some marketing piece I ghost wrote than an article I publish under my own name.
I have started and abandoned countless blogs. Sometimes when I read my earlier work, I cringe. How could I have ever thought this should be put out into the world? But, I leave it up anyway.
Lately, I’ve had a creative pang. I haven’t been writing enough for myself. I have been too busy working my craft to work on my craft. But, six years later and I’m still scared.
Sometimes I think it’s just my anxiety. But, it’s more than that. I’m afraid that nobody will read my work. I will just be whispering into the void because I’m not even brave enough to shout. I’m also afraid that somebody will read my work and they will hate. I don’t know what’s worse, indifference or disgust.
I hope nobody reads my work. I hope that everybody reads my work.
My brain and heart and bursting. I can’t keep it all in anymore. I have to write and publish — no matter what the consequences are.
Hopefully, late at night, some stranger will stare at their glowing god and wonder if anyone is out there, and they will find my work, and it will resonate with them.
Even if it’s just one person, that would be enough.